Wow

I know. 2 posts in one day. Something really fucked up must have happened, right? Right.

Well turns out my "master plan" turned into a huge disaster. I had this seemingly "great idea" to go down to Long Island tomorrow and surprise Michelle at the airport. Unfortunately she caught on to the fact that I was planning something so she would only tell me the airport and the airline, but not the time. Come to find out, there are 9 flights to choose from. No way was I going to pick out the right one, so I asked the one person that had to know, because she was picking Michelle up at the airport - her mom. Well I got a little to into the story with her mom and she too wouldn't tell me because she said it seemed like Michelle didn't want me to know. I didn't realize how true that was. When I didn't respond to her mother's reply e-mail, her mother thought I was going to show up even though she said it wasn't a good idea, so she told Michelle. Well it's a good thing she did and it's also a good thing that Michelle responded to me otherwise I would have looked like a much bigger idiot than I already do. I was going to go anyways, because I miss her so much, and I know she misses me too. Plus I have this really excellent present to give her that is too big to mail. Anyways, she finds out about it and I call her. I tell her I just really wanted to see her and she says well that's selfish and that I never think things through. Well I wasn't trying to be selfish I thought she would have liked to see me too. And I think this time it's not that I didn't think it through, I thought it through too well. I thought too much about the possibility that it could end so well. She could've been really happy to see me and loved the gift and we would have had a nice time together. I even told her I asked a bunch of people if it was a good idea and all but her mom said yes. And she said that it's only a good idea if the one being surprised wants you there. In other words, she doesn't. That hurt probably the most out of everything that was said in our short conversation. As I said in my last post though, I was going to start trying anything, and I guess I have to be prepared to fail as well. The only problem is I don't have much room for error. That's why I'm trying so hard to do something like take this trip to see her, something to show how much I care about her, to travel round-trip for a total of 10 hours to see her for a pretty short period of time just because I love her so much. And I'm not saying she doesn't love me or that she wouldn't do the same, because I know she does and would. I'm just saying I think I need to pick my spots a little better. You see, the trouble with me is I like to go for the shock effect, the big hit, so to speak. Whereas she's looking for more of a "just be," no pressure kind of situation. Problem is, this is a very high pressure situation for me, as it would for anyone who knows that they have +/- 2 months to do or say or be something to make her want to jump in again. Maybe though, maybe she isn't looking for the shock effect, not looking for something that looks like its too planned, too showy, or even fake. Maybe she wants something that's more permanent, like an attitude, or just an air about me that she'll just know "everything is going to be ok." I don't know how to accomplish that, but for as long as she'll have me around, I'm going to be the Hell out of myself trying. I do love her so much, and I'm just trying to show her that these aren't just speeches from my mouth or words on a page, but rather a reality, that she and I can be just as happy as before if not more so. She was and remains the best thing I have in my life right now, better than anything else I have put together. And I want her back, so bad...I think I am beginning to feel how she did...and maybe that's a good thing, maybe then I can figure out what to do to fix it...