So today instead of going to Long Island, I went to Crossgates Mall in Albany. I was having a pretty nice, relaxing time clearing my mind and gathering my thoughts until about 11:30 when I realized I missed a call from Michelle. Now, normally it's a good thing that she called. Well this time it wasn't such a great thing that I called back because we got into a huge 45 minute argument about how the past couple months have been going. It seems no matter how much we talk, we always end up worse than when we started. Basically she told me that she wants a real break, where we only talk a couple times a week, it's ok to date other people, that she isn't going to tell me where she's moving at the end of this year, and that basically if we don't miraculously end up near the same place, we're over. Wow. I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now. Best-case scenario is that she is just having a bad day. Worst-case scenario is that she's serious. I'm really hoping for the first one, but it seems more the second. I really don't want things to be over between her and I. I also told her that I don't want to be friends with her. She said I was being selfish for that but I just can't stand to see her with someone else. I know she's already seen me with other people, and I really truly am sorry for that, but I just can't. She and I were never meant to be just friends. We are best friends as a couple, but I just can't see myself as just a friend.
With that said, I hope she finishes out at least these last couple months in the hopes that I can try to show her that feeling is still there, so she'll know she can just trust me. I think I can do that because in my blog recently I said I think that's what she's looking for, today, she practically said it. So I really would like the opportunity to see if that can work. I also need to start listening to her. Gone are the days where she can say something and I do what I want anyways. It is a different scenario now, and our relationship depends on my attention to what she is saying. I mean I've really been stupid lately. I beg her to tell me what she needs, she tell me certain things and then I almost completely ignore it. Today in the conversation we had, I told her that I do listen to her, but on the drive home I thought about it, and I really don't. I need to start right now. I will stay true to what I said and not call her until she is ready to call me, but I really hope that's sooner than later, because I'm anxious to as she put it "be normal." I am anxious to show her that she will not be making a mistake by getting back together with me. I'm anxious to show her that I really do care about her with all of my heart. I will never be able to explain my actions, I don't think. But hopefully, in the coming months, she will be able to see that there is no way on this earth that anything like that will ever happen again. I cannot wait til she can see it in my eyes that I mean everything I say, forever, this time.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Wow
I know. 2 posts in one day. Something really fucked up must have happened, right? Right.
Well turns out my "master plan" turned into a huge disaster. I had this seemingly "great idea" to go down to Long Island tomorrow and surprise Michelle at the airport. Unfortunately she caught on to the fact that I was planning something so she would only tell me the airport and the airline, but not the time. Come to find out, there are 9 flights to choose from. No way was I going to pick out the right one, so I asked the one person that had to know, because she was picking Michelle up at the airport - her mom. Well I got a little to into the story with her mom and she too wouldn't tell me because she said it seemed like Michelle didn't want me to know. I didn't realize how true that was. When I didn't respond to her mother's reply e-mail, her mother thought I was going to show up even though she said it wasn't a good idea, so she told Michelle. Well it's a good thing she did and it's also a good thing that Michelle responded to me otherwise I would have looked like a much bigger idiot than I already do. I was going to go anyways, because I miss her so much, and I know she misses me too. Plus I have this really excellent present to give her that is too big to mail. Anyways, she finds out about it and I call her. I tell her I just really wanted to see her and she says well that's selfish and that I never think things through. Well I wasn't trying to be selfish I thought she would have liked to see me too. And I think this time it's not that I didn't think it through, I thought it through too well. I thought too much about the possibility that it could end so well. She could've been really happy to see me and loved the gift and we would have had a nice time together. I even told her I asked a bunch of people if it was a good idea and all but her mom said yes. And she said that it's only a good idea if the one being surprised wants you there. In other words, she doesn't. That hurt probably the most out of everything that was said in our short conversation. As I said in my last post though, I was going to start trying anything, and I guess I have to be prepared to fail as well. The only problem is I don't have much room for error. That's why I'm trying so hard to do something like take this trip to see her, something to show how much I care about her, to travel round-trip for a total of 10 hours to see her for a pretty short period of time just because I love her so much. And I'm not saying she doesn't love me or that she wouldn't do the same, because I know she does and would. I'm just saying I think I need to pick my spots a little better. You see, the trouble with me is I like to go for the shock effect, the big hit, so to speak. Whereas she's looking for more of a "just be," no pressure kind of situation. Problem is, this is a very high pressure situation for me, as it would for anyone who knows that they have +/- 2 months to do or say or be something to make her want to jump in again. Maybe though, maybe she isn't looking for the shock effect, not looking for something that looks like its too planned, too showy, or even fake. Maybe she wants something that's more permanent, like an attitude, or just an air about me that she'll just know "everything is going to be ok." I don't know how to accomplish that, but for as long as she'll have me around, I'm going to be the Hell out of myself trying. I do love her so much, and I'm just trying to show her that these aren't just speeches from my mouth or words on a page, but rather a reality, that she and I can be just as happy as before if not more so. She was and remains the best thing I have in my life right now, better than anything else I have put together. And I want her back, so bad...I think I am beginning to feel how she did...and maybe that's a good thing, maybe then I can figure out what to do to fix it...
Well turns out my "master plan" turned into a huge disaster. I had this seemingly "great idea" to go down to Long Island tomorrow and surprise Michelle at the airport. Unfortunately she caught on to the fact that I was planning something so she would only tell me the airport and the airline, but not the time. Come to find out, there are 9 flights to choose from. No way was I going to pick out the right one, so I asked the one person that had to know, because she was picking Michelle up at the airport - her mom. Well I got a little to into the story with her mom and she too wouldn't tell me because she said it seemed like Michelle didn't want me to know. I didn't realize how true that was. When I didn't respond to her mother's reply e-mail, her mother thought I was going to show up even though she said it wasn't a good idea, so she told Michelle. Well it's a good thing she did and it's also a good thing that Michelle responded to me otherwise I would have looked like a much bigger idiot than I already do. I was going to go anyways, because I miss her so much, and I know she misses me too. Plus I have this really excellent present to give her that is too big to mail. Anyways, she finds out about it and I call her. I tell her I just really wanted to see her and she says well that's selfish and that I never think things through. Well I wasn't trying to be selfish I thought she would have liked to see me too. And I think this time it's not that I didn't think it through, I thought it through too well. I thought too much about the possibility that it could end so well. She could've been really happy to see me and loved the gift and we would have had a nice time together. I even told her I asked a bunch of people if it was a good idea and all but her mom said yes. And she said that it's only a good idea if the one being surprised wants you there. In other words, she doesn't. That hurt probably the most out of everything that was said in our short conversation. As I said in my last post though, I was going to start trying anything, and I guess I have to be prepared to fail as well. The only problem is I don't have much room for error. That's why I'm trying so hard to do something like take this trip to see her, something to show how much I care about her, to travel round-trip for a total of 10 hours to see her for a pretty short period of time just because I love her so much. And I'm not saying she doesn't love me or that she wouldn't do the same, because I know she does and would. I'm just saying I think I need to pick my spots a little better. You see, the trouble with me is I like to go for the shock effect, the big hit, so to speak. Whereas she's looking for more of a "just be," no pressure kind of situation. Problem is, this is a very high pressure situation for me, as it would for anyone who knows that they have +/- 2 months to do or say or be something to make her want to jump in again. Maybe though, maybe she isn't looking for the shock effect, not looking for something that looks like its too planned, too showy, or even fake. Maybe she wants something that's more permanent, like an attitude, or just an air about me that she'll just know "everything is going to be ok." I don't know how to accomplish that, but for as long as she'll have me around, I'm going to be the Hell out of myself trying. I do love her so much, and I'm just trying to show her that these aren't just speeches from my mouth or words on a page, but rather a reality, that she and I can be just as happy as before if not more so. She was and remains the best thing I have in my life right now, better than anything else I have put together. And I want her back, so bad...I think I am beginning to feel how she did...and maybe that's a good thing, maybe then I can figure out what to do to fix it...
Randomness
Randomness.
My life seems to be full of it lately. I just keep having these thoughts about certain things that I can't get out of my head. Time will sort it all out I suppose.
Anyways, I haven't had the chance to talk to Michelle a lot lately because she's been on vacation for 2.5 of the last 3 weeks, and a lot of the time she hasn't had service. It sucks but I'm glad she's having a great time. We've shared a few short calls and even a couple half hour ones along with sporadic text convos now and again, and they keep me going while I can't talk to her "full-time." I miss her terribly and this is the reason why I'm having all these thoughts that I can't even seem to rationalize, and I am the king of rationalizing things, so you can see where I'd be having a problem. I've recently realized that I am running very short on time with her, and if things don't change soon, the stupid, ignorant, irrational, nean, and - more fittingly - immature decisions I've made regarding her in the past may haunt me for the rest of my life. So instead of "giving it time" and "wait and see," as phil can attest to, I've decided to take a much more aggressive approach on dealing with that whole situation. And I don't mean in the annoying, pressure-exerting "c'mon shell, just jump back into a relationship with me, who's broken your heart again and again." No, I finally realize that time is not my friend, rather that it is finally against me. So, in the hopes that it is not too late, which it may very well be (although I don't think that to be the case, otherwise she and I wouldn't still be talking about it, as countless of people have told me) I have decided to try anything, no matter how outrageous it seems, or futile the attempt may turn out to be to show this girl, as unlikely a match she may be (as anyone who has known me prior to meeting Michelle can back up that she is - was, rather - anything but my "type"), that she is the world to me, and I cannot, nor do I want to imagine a world or my life without her by my side as my partner, lover, confidant, but most importantly, my best friend. So, I can now say that whatever happens from here on in is what is meant to be with she and I, and if I am so lucky as to be able to show this wonderful girl that everything can and will be ok between us, that she can trust that I will never leave her side again, no matter the distance between us, and that she has me - all of me - for the rest of our lives, then I will be able to say that God (and it has to be God, because there is no other rhyme or reason why such a wonderful person would give me the amount of chances that Michelle has afforded me) has given me a gift that I could never repay with my life. If all I get in this world is Michelle, than I have been given more than enough for 100 lives. I love you, Michelle.
I have a lot more to say, but honestly I am not in the right frame of mind or mood to talk or type about anything else at the moment. All I know is the very near future will answer alot of questions either way.
My life seems to be full of it lately. I just keep having these thoughts about certain things that I can't get out of my head. Time will sort it all out I suppose.
Anyways, I haven't had the chance to talk to Michelle a lot lately because she's been on vacation for 2.5 of the last 3 weeks, and a lot of the time she hasn't had service. It sucks but I'm glad she's having a great time. We've shared a few short calls and even a couple half hour ones along with sporadic text convos now and again, and they keep me going while I can't talk to her "full-time." I miss her terribly and this is the reason why I'm having all these thoughts that I can't even seem to rationalize, and I am the king of rationalizing things, so you can see where I'd be having a problem. I've recently realized that I am running very short on time with her, and if things don't change soon, the stupid, ignorant, irrational, nean, and - more fittingly - immature decisions I've made regarding her in the past may haunt me for the rest of my life. So instead of "giving it time" and "wait and see," as phil can attest to, I've decided to take a much more aggressive approach on dealing with that whole situation. And I don't mean in the annoying, pressure-exerting "c'mon shell, just jump back into a relationship with me, who's broken your heart again and again." No, I finally realize that time is not my friend, rather that it is finally against me. So, in the hopes that it is not too late, which it may very well be (although I don't think that to be the case, otherwise she and I wouldn't still be talking about it, as countless of people have told me) I have decided to try anything, no matter how outrageous it seems, or futile the attempt may turn out to be to show this girl, as unlikely a match she may be (as anyone who has known me prior to meeting Michelle can back up that she is - was, rather - anything but my "type"), that she is the world to me, and I cannot, nor do I want to imagine a world or my life without her by my side as my partner, lover, confidant, but most importantly, my best friend. So, I can now say that whatever happens from here on in is what is meant to be with she and I, and if I am so lucky as to be able to show this wonderful girl that everything can and will be ok between us, that she can trust that I will never leave her side again, no matter the distance between us, and that she has me - all of me - for the rest of our lives, then I will be able to say that God (and it has to be God, because there is no other rhyme or reason why such a wonderful person would give me the amount of chances that Michelle has afforded me) has given me a gift that I could never repay with my life. If all I get in this world is Michelle, than I have been given more than enough for 100 lives. I love you, Michelle.
I have a lot more to say, but honestly I am not in the right frame of mind or mood to talk or type about anything else at the moment. All I know is the very near future will answer alot of questions either way.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Hey
Alright.
This is my new blog. I created it at the urging of a really good friend as a place to vent. I'm not going to waste space filling anyone in on my past, if you're anyone important to me, you know everything you need to know. Hopefully this will give anyone who cares a little insight as to what goes on inside my head, and maybe it will help to understand me better than someone would normally be able to without further explanation. Anyways, since I have to work at 6am, I'm going to go lay in bed and read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for a bit. Gimme a break, I just decided to get into it lol. Night.
This is my new blog. I created it at the urging of a really good friend as a place to vent. I'm not going to waste space filling anyone in on my past, if you're anyone important to me, you know everything you need to know. Hopefully this will give anyone who cares a little insight as to what goes on inside my head, and maybe it will help to understand me better than someone would normally be able to without further explanation. Anyways, since I have to work at 6am, I'm going to go lay in bed and read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for a bit. Gimme a break, I just decided to get into it lol. Night.
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